Rebuild the Pastors

Unhealthy Church Culture vs a Healthy Church Culture...

 

An unhealthy church culture that can cause harm to people is sometimes called ‘spiritual abuse’ which is a nasty experience that leaves a person confused about God, their faith and can leave them with symptoms of stress and trauma. We recognise that 'spiritual abuse' experienced by anyone is incredibly painful.

 

The term ‘spiritual abuse’ is somewhat complex to define and it will be difficult to form an agreement without academic research. However there are currently hundreds of websites providing support for congregation members who are mistreated and yet few mention the commonality of leaders being mistreated.

 

We have found it helpful to put together a definition of manipulation, as well as some signs and symptoms of mistreatment to look for. 

 

Definition of manipulation:

To manipulate is to negotiate, control or influence for one’s own advantage. Spiritual manipulation is a technique used by some unhealthy churches, cults and individuals to control individuals and acquire gain, all the while giving the impression that their teachings are based on the Bible.

 

Mistreatment from leaders to congregation & mistreatment of the congregation to leaders...

 

1. Hearing God

Mistreatment from leaders: A leader implying that the people need them to hear God and that they cannot hear God for themselves. 

 

Mistreatment of leaders: When the congregation member gets angry at leaders for not giving them direct confirmation or agreement with their decisions but instead encourage them that they can hear God and face the consequences themselves.

 

2. Guidance

Mistreatment from leaders: A leader encouraging the congregation members to ‘check with them’ about major decisions to try and influence those decisions.

 

Mistreatment of leaders: Expecting the leaders to give them a blessing on major decisions and then blame them when things go wrong.

 

3. Intimidation

Mistreatment​ from leaders: Leaders purposefully intimidating the congregation in order to control them in decisions, giving, loyalty etc.

 

Mistreatment​ of leaders: Blaming the leader if they feel intimidated due to their strong character or giftedness without taking their own responsibility for their personal responses.

 

4. Serving in church

Mistreatment from leaders: The leaders telling the Church to serve more and more and go to meetings every evening until exhaustion. Leaders speaking in a way that facilitates guilt if you don’t go to enough meetings.

 

Mistreatment of leaders: when the leader encourages people to only go to a few meetings and ‘have a life’ and warns people of being too busy in church but the congregation find themselves enjoying being engaged in the church community and lose their other friends and social experiences and then blame the leader for the choice they made.

 

5. Questions

Mistreatment from leaders: when leaders see questions as threatening and there is anger as a response from the leader.

 

Mistreatment of leaders: there are only so many hours in the week and there is often not enough time to answer everyone’s questions alongside all the responsibilities that leaders have to fulfill. It becomes a problem if people refuse to listen to the delegated leadership team and will only ask the main leader(s),  and say that the leaders ‘won't answer all my questions’. It’s sometimes impractical, especially in a crisis when many people have questions, to be available to answer everyone's questions and navigate them individually through challenging situations. It is also noted that to ask questions regarding decisions is appropriate, but questions regarding intention can often hurt.

 

6. Manipulation and control

Mistreatment​ from leaders: when the leader is manipulative or seducing with flattery to get his/her own way and the person feels obliged to do something that they feel uncomfortable doing.

 

Mistreatment of leaders: when the congregation members try and flatter and manipulate the leader and the leader doesn’t seem to respond or appreciate the flattery and won't be manipulated. Sometimes this leads to people getting angry and slandering the leader.

 

7. Church discipline

Mistreatment​ from leaders: when the leaders threaten ‘church discipline’ and use it as an opportunity to intimidate people. When church leaders publically shame or defame people or slander or gossip about others.

 

Mistreatment​ of leaders: when leaders cannot tell the church when someone is threatening them or threatening another person in the church. This leads them to be powerless to protect the people from potential mistreatment. The leader feels that they will be called controlling if they do have to announce if someone has made a threat to them according to 1 Timothy 5:19-20*, even if its done in a respectful, compassionate way.

 

8. Leaving the church

Mistreatment from leaders: when the leaders ensure that the people who choose to leave are shamed and shunned and seen as wicked and rebellious. When the leader encourages others to shun those who leave, saying that they have left in rebellion.

 

Mistreatment of leaders: Sometimes people who leave actually threaten the leader and/or make allegations about them to others, but don’t ask/refuse to meet the leader to discuss them according to biblical principles of conflict. This means that the leader needs to minimalize the potential damage of the allegations brought to them and so inform the leadership of the allegations so that they can reflect on them and challenge the leader if necessary. If those informed leaders then choose to try and encourage the person who made the allegation to speak with the leader but they refuse, but continue to gossip and defame the leader, then they may choose to ignore the person who made the allegation if they see them around, rather than say ‘hi’ warmly. This is not shunning.

 

9. Accountability and relationship with other pastors

Mistreatment from leaders: when the leaders refuse to have relationship with other leaders and speak of them being ‘special’ or have a ‘special revelation’. The isolation can breed behavior that is not accountable to being challenged.        

 

Mistreatment of leaders: when the congregation make judgements about the leader's relationships according to what they see, it can lead to wrong assumptions. When people make judgements about the accountability structure without asking questions, it can lead to further problems. When they assume that because there is a person ‘in an accountable relationship’ because of a movement facilitating that despite not knowing the dynamics of that relationship, but when the leader is not in a movement assuming that there is no accountability.

 

10. Gossip and slander and defamation

Mistreatment​ from leaders: when the leader speaks about people in the church or people outside of the church in a way that is not respectful or kind but is defaming and slanderous. When the leader uses the preaching platform to cast shadows on other leaders, other people and other ministries to try and make themselves look better leaving the people feeling awkward.

 

Mistreatment of leaders: when the people slander, gossip and defame the leaders as they cannot use the preaching platform to defend themselves specifically using any names of people. They end up feeling voiceless against the slander and are unable to defend themselves or empower their team to defend them as it’s seen as manipulative.

 

11. Honour culture

Mistreatment​ from leaders: if the people feel obliged to honour the leader above anyone else and put them on a pedestal. If the people are warned about the consequences of not giving ‘honour’ to the leader. Honour is seen as buying gifts, giving flattery and not ever feeling able to challenge the person.

 

Mistreatment of leaders: when it is not recognizing that the role of leader is very challenging and the chances of the leader making everyone happy is very minimal, especially if they explore Jesus teachings together. When there is a culture of consumerism that the people apply to the church context and the leader is blamed and judged for failure because some people are not happy with the quality of the churches service in some area. A lack of recognition of the challenges and a feeling that they are ‘paying for a service to meet their needs-whatever those needs are’ can lead to mistreatement of the leader.

 

12. Two faced leader

Mistreatment from leaders: when the leader is actually sexually abusing people or having affairs or leading a life that is not acknowledged to the people and they keep up the pretend image that they are holy and living a perfect life of godliness. This is hypocritical and deceptive and makes it an unsafe and dangerous place for the people.

 

Mistreatment of leaders: an expectation that they are perfect and never make any mistakes.

 

13. Availability of the leader(s)

Mistreatment​ from leaders: when the leader is never available and doesn’t make any attempt to communicate/answer communication and no explanation about that. 

 

Mistreatment​ of leaders: when the people demand a visit in any situation and they only want the senior leader. When they won't engage with a member of the leadership team as they feel that they deserve the ‘top’. When the people expect to see a team member on demand, whenever they need them and blame the church for not being supportive if they are not available.

 

14. Gender based abuse

Mistreatment​ from leaders: when the leader strategises to call a married person whilst their spouse is away and ask to see them urgently and then either discusses their spouse or shames, seduces, intimidates or confuses them. When the leader uses their leadership position for sexual harassment or sexual abuse knowing that the person won't say anything due to fear of being believed.

 

Mistreatment​ of leaders: when the person refuses to speak to a woman leader and only speaks to the male even when the issue is regarding the woman on the basis of ‘I get on better with the man’. When there is blatant sexism that doesn’t treat the woman leader with the same equality as the male leader. When sexual or sexist jokes are made to the leader.

 

Written by Betsy de Thierry

 

Reference

 

*1 Timothy 5:19-20 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

19 Do not receive an accusation against an elder except on the basis of two or three witnesses. 20 Those who continue in sin, rebuke in the presence of all, so that the rest also will be fearful of sinning.